‘After baby loss, I’m fearful of sexual intimacy

Welcome to August’s ‘Sexplore with Dr. Tara’

Each month, Dr. Tara, a professor who knows a lot about relationships and sex, answers your questions on topics from desire to fetishes, as Women’s Health’s sex advice expert.

This month, Dr. Tara helps a reader who had a miscarriage and is now worried about getting close with her partner again.

Dear Dr. Tara,

I had a miscarriage  few months ago, and it was really hard. I’m getting help for it, and my partner has been great. But since then, I’m having a hard time thinking about having sex again. I want to be close to my partner and I miss that connection. But I’m also scared of physical touch and worried that I’ll never want it back.

What should I do?

Feeling worried

Dear Feeling worried

It’s great that you’re getting support for this. Many people go through miscarriages, so talking about it openly is important. A miscarriage is a very tough experience, and it’s okay to take your time to heal before thinking about sex again.

For now, let’s focus on affectionate touch. Research shows that simple touches like cuddling and holding hands can help you feel more comfortable with physical contact over time. Here are some steps that might help:

Explore Your Own Body

Try gently touching different parts of your body to see what feels good and what doesn’t. You can make notes about what types of touch you enjoy. Once you’re comfortable, you can share this with your partner and explore touch together using your notes.

Try Breathwork with Touch

Breathing exercises can help calm you. Sit quietly with your partner, breathe deeply together (inhale for eight seconds, exhale for eight seconds), and let them touch you gently in areas like your ears, neck, or shoulders. Do this for five to ten minutes to help you relax and enjoy touch.

Schedule Non-Sexual Cuddles

If touch has been linked to sex or trying to get pregnant, it might help to focus on cuddling just for bonding. Make it clear to your partner that these cuddles are about reconnecting and not leading to sex. This can help you feel more relaxed about touch.

Use Positive Affirmations

Remind yourself with positive statements like “touch feels safe” or “I enjoy being touched” to help change your mindset about touch. Do this regularly to build a more positive association with physical contact.

Try Tantric Massage

When you feel ready, you might want to explore tantric massage, which involves slow, mindful touch and deep breathing. This type of massage focuses on different areas of the body, including sensitive parts. It’s not meant to lead to sex, but if it does spark desire, talk to your partner about how you both feel.